a therapeutic glossary…

…of words therapists use, mostly about relationships, but other stuff too.

We all have words or phrases that are only used in particular places with particular people. Therapists are no different.

We’re trained in the art of interpretation and intervention. That training comes with a crash course in a language that feels like gibberish to most.

As a therapist, I trot out words that feel natural to me, but leave others scratching their heads. When I do that, I have a responsibility to describe those words so they don’t get in way of us relating to one another.

One of the cornerstones of good relationships is clarity, which helps build trust. It’s easy to slip into a familiar language without explaining the ins and outs of why we’re using it.

Also, when people have heard a term used in another context, they may have their own definitions, experiences, or descriptions. In that case, clarity is really important. It’s on both of us to seek a common description so that there is little to no confusion.

Language matters, and words create worlds. This week, in the interest of good relationships, I’ve created a little glossary of terms you might have heard or seen. A lot of psychological language has made its way into common cultural spaces, not everyone interprets these words in the same way.

In fact, get a few therapists in the room with this list and they’ll find their own nuances or interpretations of the words I’ve chosen to describe.

Without taking the time to define terms, interpretations, or meanings, we lose something in translation. Maybe that’s an opportunity to connect or share experiences. Maybe it’s a chance to develop kinship or compassion.

I’ll probably do this again with some additional terms, but I wanted to start with this list because many of the words have to do with relationships and emotional regulation. Enjoy.

It’s basically a series of sales techniques utilized to help the sender and receiver in any conversation communicate more clearly. I’m not sure who developed them first, don’t really care either, as this isn’t about where something comes from, but rather is it useful?

It’s useful. Every therapist is trained in active listening, so is every salesman, and every relationship we have would benefit from it. In each case, active listening is used for different purposes. In sales, active listening is used to clarify a buyer’s needs and how a product or service might fit those needs.

In therapy, active listening is also used to clarify, but it’s more about the sender-receiver relationship, helping people feel heard, and establishing a common ground of experience, values, and meaningful from which to work.

Active listening is not a physical activity, but it can be exhausting, which is probably why we shortcut a lot of our conversations in real life. And, it’s probably why there is a lot of conflict, hurt, and frustration in our relationships.

To practice active listening, follow these steps:

• focus on the person and what they are saying (not your response to what they are saying);

• when they’ve finished talking paraphrase what they’ve just told you, end by asking questions to clarify anything that was missed. Something like,

  • “did I get right?”

  • “did I miss something?”

  • “would you like to add anything?”

  • (advanced active listening also uses empathy to understand an experience beyond the data and into the subjective feelings). Something like, “I imagine that feels _________. Is there anything else you’d like to add?”

• once there is agreement about the story, then clarify what would be helpful. Are they asking for help, advice, distraction, or just to get it off their chest?

• If it’s a dialogue, then and only then, can you add your experience to the conversation.

Think about it is way. Trying to resolve something with incomplete data is akin gambling with your relationships. Active listening helps you take the guess work out conversations, which also helps to alleviate some of the conflict that happens when we choose to predict what others will say or do rather than be curious and surprised.   

Has to do with how well we feel connected to the people who formed our initial relationships. Attachment has to do with parent-child bonds formulated in early life.

When we don’t experience safety and love in our initial relationships, we can struggle trusting the safety and love of new people who offer it. Doesn’t mean we’ll never experience it. People aren’t fixed realities. It just means that we have additional hurdles to overcome to trust others who care about us.

I hate the word. Boundaries are meant to keep people out or away from us. A boundary is inherently about protection.

At least that’s the way we often use it. Good fences make good neighbors is the image I have here. Too many of us put up privacy fences and instead of providing the kind of internal protection we’re seeking, instead we discourage connection and vulnerability.

For an alternative framework, see: healthy relationships.

Co-dependent

Fancy way of saying “I am going to love and care for you without you ever having to be accountable for anything you do (including loving and caring for me).”

Conflict resolution

Why is everything a debate these days? Why do we have to “win” an argument? What do we actually win anyway?

So much of our time in conversation with others is spent debating rather than in dialogue (see active listening). A resolution is not a win in the books or a tally on a ledger. In fact, the only thing you generally win is resentment, distance, and disaffection.

Certainly, decisions need to be made, but only after taking into account, as best as possible, the full range of experiences, ideas, values, and hopes of the parties involved. Otherwise, your resolution is a façade that will crumble with the next conflict.

Fancy way of saying “I only like me if you like me.”

A big word, to be sure, especially in family systems. It’s a way of being an individual within a group. A both/and not an either/or. I am me, and I am a part of we.

To be differentiated is to know yourself as distinct (not enmeshed) from others, with your own gifts, talents, and areas of growth, but that knowledge doesn’t separate you, instead it drives you to connect with others meaningfully.

On the flip side, differentiation can also drive us to move away from unhealthy relationships and situations. When we’re differentiated, we’re not dependent on others to describe ourselves and define our worth.

Double bind

Saying two different things at the same time. “I love you, go away.” One message draws someone closer while the other pushes them away.

It creates confusion about how we’re supposed to relate to someone. Also, it creates a lack of stability or security. More context helps alleviate this. “Of course I love you, but I really need some quiet right now to get this done. I’ll check in on you in a little bit.”

See my post about recognition as regulation for a more extended look into this.

Basically, emotional intelligence is a learned set of skills that helps us regulate our emotions, utilize them effectively in decision making, and manage the emotions of people around us.

Empathy (see below) is a necessary component of emotional intelligence. So is a robust emotional vocabulary and the awareness to use it in a timely and effective way.

The term is only about 30 years old, and we continue to learn more about its benefits in a variety of settings and relationships through research and writing.

Connection, concern, compassion all have their roots in empathy.

To connect we need to imagine how another feels or experiences a situation.

To have concern is to be connected to our own emotional life enough to venture guesses about how it feels to experience what that person is going through.

To be compassionate is to act, through that emotional connection, in ways that bring about greater overall connection and relief for another.

Empathy is not an action or practice intended to bring about our own emotional relief (although that may be a byproduct). The experience of empathy is internal, the results of empathy are most often directed outwardly.

Enmeshment

Fancy way of saying “I don’t know where I end and where you begin.” It has a lot to do with dependence, especially for emotional health and well-being.

I love the Gottman’s for their data rich interpretations and interventions. I can’t write a better summary than the one found here: The Gottman Method: Definition, Techniques, and Benefits (verywellmind.com)

The thrust in my experience is to limit resentment, build trust, intimacy, and meaning through friendship and shared goals. Requires you to be differentiated and desirous of meaningful connection and all the conflict and collaboration that comes with it.

I use this instead of boundaries. It’s more interdependent, whereas boundaries have often been used to express hyper-independence. A healthy relationship privileges mutuality, dialogue, respect, care, compassion, and concern.

It also assumes self-respect, self-compassion, self-concern. It is hard to have a healthy relationship when we don’t believe we deserve mutuality, love, and respect.

For those of us who have struggled on this front, boundaries are where we start to differentiate ourselves, but they should never be the end goal.

Homeostasis

How a system works together. Neither a signal of health or well-being, nor unhealthy patterns. It’s just an agreed upon way of being together (sometimes this is unsaid).

We form habits around people that keep things peaceful and humming along. It gets disrupted when someone new comes along or someone within the system changes.

Independent

Fancy way of saying “I’m fine, I don’t really care what you think about me.”

Fancy way of saying “I’m me, you’re you. We’re stronger and can get more done together. What does it look like for us to try and work toward a common good?”

It’s a fucking epidemic and exacerbates physical, mental, and emotional health issues. Loneliness is about having quality connections in our life.

When we’re lonely, we don’t feel as though we’re loveable. We don’t feel as though we have the right people in our lives who we can turn to when we’re in need of help, conversation, or connection.

Love languages

We love our categories and labels. These are five made up categories based on the author’s experiences of working with others. Not a bad thing, experience can be a good teacher. Even the author would tell you they’re limited and sometimes limiting.

I say it’s a start to understanding and reflecting on things that make us feel loved and cared for. It shouldn’t be a sacred text, seen as an exhaustive list, nor believed to be unchangeable. It is not definitive enough to be weaponized like we like to do with categories sometimes.

What words have you experienced in culture or therapy that you’d like to know more about?

This was fun to write, easy even, so I’ll probably do it again.