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Expectations to Externalization
Expectations
Expectations are the silent agreements we make with others and then get mad at them for not knowing what we want.
You should know I hate being late.
You should text me back.
You should help without being asked.
You should just know.
I’ve often told people that everything we tell ourselves is fiction until it’s spoken aloud.
Those expectations? Fiction.
Those shoulds? Fiction.
Those negative stories about others’ intentions? Fiction.
The moment we voice an expectation we enter a time of negotiation. Is what I thought was true? Is it fair? Is it reasonable? Is this a projection of my own doubts, fears, or potential failures?
Finding that voice matters if we want healthier relationships. There’s nothing wrong with having expectations; it’s the silence that creates tension.
The more we drag our expectations into the light and name them, negotiate them, occasionally laugh at how unrealistic they are, the less we’ll need to wander around pissed off at people who never knew they were failing a test we gave them.
See: entitlement, equity, boundaries, resentment, communication, enough.
Experiment
Hypothesis > Reality Test > Feedback > Reflection > New Hypothesis
That’s it. That’s an experiment. It seems so simple, and yet when it comes to how we think and behave it’s hard.
First, we have to be aware of the need for change. We need to be listening to our lives, our bodies, our hearts, our minds, and the people who care about us.
It doesn’t matter whether life is good or bad, happy or sad. Change is always a part of it. Change is life if we really think about it. When we experiment, we make those changes more reasonable and palatable, and we increase the chances they’ll stick.
Instead of just letting change happen, we add purpose. We get to influence the course of our lives rather than be pushed or pulled kicking and screaming into each new phase.
A hypothesis is just an idea. A curiosity. A “what if I do this instead of that?”
A reality test is just trying it out: do it, experience what happens.
What happens next is feedback. Our body reacts. Other people react. Circumstances shift, or they don’t. This is the part we usually call “success” or “failure” but in the world of experimentation, it’s just data.
When we’ve got the data, we reflect. We interpret it and give it meaning. What worked? What hurt? What surprised me? What did this reveal about me? What am I curious to try next?
And then we hypothesize again. This time I’ll try this instead.
The point is to influence the direction of our change rather than nail a new life on the first try.
We don’t wander into a competition expecting to win without first practicing. Why should life be any different?
See: failure/feedback, data, curiosity, play, courage, identity.
Externalization
When we externalize, we simply turn a problem into a character. Instead of seeing ourselves as anxious, we share a story with Anxiety.
Externalization doesn’t pretend the problem isn’t real. It just refuses to let the problem be the whole truth about us. If the problem is “out there” in the story instead of fused with “who I am,” then we can start to get curious about it.
Same life.
Same facts.
Different story.
It is not about dodging responsibility. We still own our choices. We still repair relationships when we hurt someone. Externalization simply makes room for a truer sentence:
I am not my worst moment.
I am not my diagnosis.
I am not this one chapter.
And maybe that allows us just enough room to breathe so we can figure out what comes next.
See: stories, shame, identity, diagnosis, anxiety, depression.