Why I’ve stayed away…
…from asking why
‘Why’ is not a fair question. It’s not an open-ended question. It can be a loaded question. Often, it doesn’t get at the roots of anything unless we’re at our best both in asking and answering it.
‘Why’ raises defenses is what I was taught.
We’re better off asking “what” or “how” questions if we truly want to get at the heart of someone’s issues.
I’ve stayed away from asking why for many years now, and I’m not sure I’m better for it. I’m also not sure if my practice is better for it either.
‘Why’ is all the things I mentioned above. It’s also the way in which we root out what we believe or value.
Before seminary, I was helping someone work through a talk they were giving. They were anxious, stumped, scared. I relayed to them something I’d heard or read somewhere.
“If you want to get to the heart of what you believe, ask yourself why 5 times.”
With each statement or value you profess, you take a portion of the previous one and interrogate it a little further.
For example, I’ve said here many times that I place a high value on relationships…
Well, why do I place a high value on relationships?
I place a high value on relationships because no one should have to navigate this world alone.
Why should no one have to navigate this world alone?
Well, the world can be hostile and unpredictable, there’s pain and suffering. While some relationships can be hostile, others can help us find our way through difficult times.
Why is it important to find our way through difficult times?
No one deserves to be in constant pain or to suffer needlessly. Good relationships can help us find cracks of hope in otherwise hopeless situations. They can help us feel grounded, supported, and loved.
Why is feeling grounded, supported, and loved important?
Well, for me at least, that’s why we’re here. It’s not about power or control, but about care and compassion. I feel better when I care for others than when I can’t stand them. There are so many opportunities throughout my day to be pissed at people. All too often I give in to that. Valuing relationships gives me some strength and a buffer to keep myself from going off the deep end.
Why is it important to keep yourself from going off the deep end?
People generally don’t deserve my scorn, despite their best efforts to bring it to life. We’re all muddling through this world, most of us are doing the best we can. Don’t we deserve the benefit of the doubt for that? The more upset I get, the less I think of people as people and the more I think of them as problems. That’s not very relational.
Now, I certainly could go on with the why questions and dig even deeper into this long held belief and value, but I’m hoping you get the picture.
The further we go, more complex, but also the more personal we get. We can’t ask why that many times without diving into the deep end of our own psychological frameworks.
I think I’ve stayed away from why questions in my practice because I’m not sure that people know how to handle them.
‘Why’ often leads to ‘because’. And, ‘because’ is not an answer, it’s the avoidance of one. Because is the beginning of a defensive posture. Which led my professors in my counseling program to avoid it like the plague.
However, in the right circumstances, ‘why’ might lead to the kind of critical reflection that is missing from so much of our lives and discourse these day. Scrubbing why from the popular vernacular of the day, or at least letting people get away with ‘because’ as an appropriate response, may have had the effect of letting us say things without truly thinking them through or at least acknowledging potential consequences.
Without ‘why’ and a genuine discussion of the ramifications of our positions and thoughts on topics, amateur hour never ends. We willingly give our mental energy to mental gnats without ever truly imagining or critically reflecting on the consequences of those actions. We simply follow without understanding ‘why’ it is that a particular position appeals to us.
It may be that if we really dove into the positions we held, they might not hold up to scrutiny. Then, God forbid, we might have to change or do research or understand ourselves rather than just parrot the last thing we heard…
So, if you’re reading this, and you’re a client of mine, there might be a ‘why’ headed your way sometime in the future. Don’t avoid it, lean into it, while you might not like what you see when you get to the bottom, the climb back up may just make life more meaningful.